how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
