I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I will pee on everything he values.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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