they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
