Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
