Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
