I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize