My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dear god my vagina.
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