he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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