I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize