I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize