My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
