I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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