he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
