im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
