I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
