I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
