the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
