Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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