I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
