Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
