i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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