i permit you to call me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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