My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
