After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
