My underwear smells like fireworks.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
