Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
