Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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