I smell stomach acid.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
