I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
nutella sex= disaster
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
