I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
