I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
