How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
