I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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