I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
