I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
