I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sext me about skeletons
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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