I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
