Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I am one with the molecules
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
