I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
