my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
