You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
