You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
