for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
