my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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