my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
