I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
