Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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