yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
