My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
