Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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