i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
