hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i barfeds in our rink
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
