I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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