there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
