when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
