Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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