I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
