Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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