So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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