Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
