my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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