i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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